Jump to content

britian is repossesing the USA


awol ali
 Share

Recommended Posts

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

 

Britain is repossessing the USA.

 

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the United States of America, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas which she doesn’t fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

 

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

· You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 

· Then look up aluminium and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

· The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such has ‘favour’ and neighbour’. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix –ize will be replaced by the suffix –ise.

 

· Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’.

 

· Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

· There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of –ize.

 

· You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

· You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should handle guns. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

· All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

· All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you to understand the British sense of humour.

 

· The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (gasoline will now be known as petrol), which is currently about $8.00 per US gallon. Get used to it.

 

· You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup, but with salt and vinegar, and wrapped in newspaper.

 

· The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as Australians are, pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.

 

· Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. Ditto Dick van Dyke playing a cockney in Mary Poppins.

 

· You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football – you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby. While it has some similarities to American football, it does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. On second thoughts, don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you just as surely as they regularly thrash us.

 

· You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

· You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

 

· An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

· Daily Teatime begins promptly at 4.00pm, with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

 

God Save the Queen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 55
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

God Save the Queen

 

What the heck are you talking about??? God has been saving her since Christ was a Corporal. Poor ol' Charles will be collecting retirement before he ever puts his tushie on the throne.

 

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

 

Only if you tell us who did in Diana. (Personally we think it was Camilla.) Diana was the only one of you we liked. And you gotta make

Elton John (excuse me, SIR Elton John. With knights like that now you know why you got your asses handed to you in 1776.) stop singing that re-hashed song in her honor.

 

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

 

I think y'all could learn something there. Maybe if y'all had good therapists, the McCartney marriage coulda been saved and Paul would not've had to get a crappy lawyer. Someone over there shoulda given him some "Help!", but since y'all didn't: Paul, "Do You Want to Know a Secret?", you "Can't Buy Me Love". That beyotch should be living on "Penny Lane" singing "Money (That's What I Want)" but instead she got $34,000 for every DAY y'all were married. P.S.-Learn how to spell, there's no "A" in "Beetles".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now there's a thought...

 

:thumbsup!:

 

Seriously though... Britain is too late. China owns the USA now.

 

Dub

Link to comment
Share on other sites

China and the Saudi's actually. :unsure2:

 

 

I do prefer good UK brews myself. That wouldn't be so bad. :beer!:

I like the idea of Canada invading and burning DC. That could become a new reality show for Summer!

 

 

But choosing which government is actually sillier...... USA or UK........ Hmmmmm.....

I think the UK still wins out. They did invent the "Ministry of Silly Walks" after all. :thumbsup!:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

 

Britain is repossessing the USA.

 

 

God Save the Queen

 

 

So you guys are coming over. That's cool. It will give me chance to practice my Second Amendment.

 

Me and the boys will be waiting for ya.

 

Mac

 

P.S. Bring friends

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

 

Britain is repossessing the USA.

 

 

· You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should handle guns. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

 

· Daily Teatime begins promptly at 4.00pm, with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

 

God Save the Queen

 

hmmm Mac-2 so wats yur 2nd ammendment??????????

 

have a seat ... cup o' tea old chap?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry Ali you guys wouldn't under stand the second ammendment.You guys gave up your guns.

 

The second ammendment of our glorious constitution is the personal right of every American to own and bear arms. A lot of us exercise our second ammendment rights. He was inviting you to come over and check out our guns from the barrel end. :ohmy:

 

CATFISH

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I cordially invite you to send your beer, it is quite good. Check with San Francisco, otherwise keep your Queens, and your government, while ours is deplorable it is superior in our opinion to yours.

 

Respectfully yours,

 

Jim

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aww yes, our wonderful second amendment. :thumbsup!:

 

I finished restoring this fine old war implement yesterday for my collection. 1944 SA Garand.

 

 

 

HA! You can't have these anymore in merry old England, can you? You folks really messed that up for yourselves. Personally I'd like to see an accounting of those good lend-lease rifles we sent you. Melted them down to make tea pots did you? :feelssogood:

 

Aw well. Ya made up for it for many years with some danged fun little sports cars. I did love my 1969 Triumph Spitfire!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Personally I'd like to see an accounting of those good lend-lease rifles we sent you. Melted them down to make tea pots did you? :thumbsup!:

 

Aw well. Ya made up for it for many years with some danged fun little sports cars. I did love my 1969 Triumph Spitfire!

 

tea pots ??? naaaaaa triumph spitfires and triumph bonnevilles :feelssogood:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hmmm Mac-2 so wats yur 2nd ammendment??????????

 

have a seat ... cup o' tea old chap?

 

If you are indeed so determined to take America back, I would sooner explain what the 2nd Amendment is when you get here.

Sorry, I don't drink tea. Besides, you won't be needing it either when you get here.

 

Hurry up and get here will you.

 

Mac

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mac

 

Try a hot cup of Earl Grey tea sometime. Then you'll understand tea. :atombomb:

 

 

Never could get the tea thing down. Never had coffee before either. But I'd sooner drink tea than coffee.

 

Earl Grey? Isn't that the stuff Jon-Luk-Pecard drinks (Star Trek Enterprise)?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...